Classroom SE104

       Jane was aware of her feet moving her towards the front of the classroom, but she couldn’t feel them.  She couldn’t feel anything.  She couldn’t feel the fall breeze coming through the open window, or the scratch of her sweater against her skin, or the sweat that was beginning to form on her forehead.  Jane just went where her feet led her, knowing there was no way she was getting out of this public speaking assignment.

She reached the podium and turned to face the classroom.  25 pairs of eyes stared back up at her, nobody making a sound.  The usually rowdy class of high school sophomores had dialed it down to an overwhelming silence.  It was a silence full of waiting and impending judgement.  The attention of the room was squarely on Jane and while she didn’t feel anything before, she suddenly felt everything all at once.  It was as if every sense in her body became acutely aware of every aspect of her surroundings.  She could hear Peter Johnson chewing on his watermelon flavored bubblegum.  She could see Shelly Davis trying to hide the fact that she was texting on her cell phone under her desk.  She could smell the eraser bits that were being brushed off of the rubic Ms. Hunter had just written Jane’s name on.  More than anything, Jane could feel the options and thoughts already forming in the minds of her classmates as she opened her mouth.

“Uh, my name is Jane Tanner and uh, I’m going to be, uh…”

Her voice broke at the end, making Jane stop.  She could feel her cheeks burning scarlet and the temperature in the room rising.  She knew she was going to continue to stutter throughout this speech but she always did that when she had to speak in public.  Her classmates must be mocking her already in their heads.  Poor Jane, she’s so shy.  Plain Jane, doesn’t she know how silly she looks up there.  Oh Jane, why does she even try?  She looked down at her hands, fingers tangled together, the clamminess making them slide together with ease.  A bead of sweat ran down her neck, dropping below the collar of her t-shirt.

“Uh, I’m going to be talking about…” Jane trailed off again.  She tried to envision her notecard, perfect looking bullet points neatly spaced on the index card.  If only she had that in front of her, helping her not stumble over her words and make it through this without having a panic attack.  But the images of bullet points were disappearing, a thick cloud of fear and doubt washing over them like a slow fog.  Jane could feel her mouth becoming dry and her hands started to mildly shake.  

Just breath, she thought to herself. Just breath and get this over with.  The sooner you start talking, the faster this will all be over.

She opened her mouth to speak again, but words didn’t come out.  Instead, it was the combining forces of her fear of public speaking and her fear of judgement.  It was her self doubt and her anxiety.  It was her clammy hands and rosy cheeks.  It was today’s lunch, spilling out onto the classroom carpet.